Thursday, October 30, 2008

RETRO 7.16.2005

Hi Everyone! Ahh! So totally sorry that I haven't been keeping up with the retro entries either! Yikes!!! I'll make it up somehow. hehe I still have lots of past entries to share. Its just a matter of finding a moment to type them out. Since I owe you guys a few entries, I'll post them within the next couple of days to catch up. After this one, I owe you two more :)

The next few entries are interesting because I wrote these after I was recovering from my second major flare up. That was the worst time in my life!! This is where I lost so much weight that I was confined to a bed for 3 weeks because I was too weak to walk. There's a huge gap of space between this entry and the last retro entry because I was too weak to write anything down. I wish I did... but I physically couldn't. So anyway, please read below:

RETRO 7.16.2005
Wow! I'm not dead! I really thought I was going to die. I have been in so much pain because my Ulcerative Colitis flared up. I cannot believe I am still alive after all that I have been through. I am still in bad shape but it is safe to say that I will recover. Slowly, but I will recover. I am 94 lbs right now. I'm not sure if this is my lowest weight because I was too weak to weigh myself before. I have almost no fat and lost a lot of muscle. I'm skin and bones! Its painful to move but I am alive. I lost so much weight through dehydration and the many bouts of diarrhea. Before I got my flare up, I think I was about 108 lbs. This stupid illness is disgusting and painful. I hope this is the last time it ever happens. I am young and can still fight this off, but if from a few years from now... if this happens again, I maybe not be so lucky. The pain alone would surely kill me. The pain feels like a combination of doing 1,000 sit-ups, getting hit in the stomach with a baseball bat and the feeling of someone scraping my insides and pouring salt into the wound.

Monday, October 20, 2008

OMG! A video!!! haha!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

RETRO 06.21.2005

Hi Everyone!! I hope all of you are doing well. I'm sharing my RETRO entry a day early because I'm not sure how much time I have tomorrow to write in my blog...

There's a huge gap in time between this entry and the last entry (which was dated in November). I did write stuff in between that time. But some of that stuff was either not related to colitis or too personal for me to share. So I'd rather not write about it here. Please understand.

Anyway, this entry is about the beginning of a third major flare up for me. I think this was the worst one I've experienced in my life. At the time, I was on the SCD diet, but was not on it faithfully. Also at the time, I went back to work full-time prematurely PLUS I had a solo art gallery opening to prepare for. So on top of my poor health habits, I was super stressed out!! It isn't easy having UC... The only way I've been getting through this is just taking it one day at a time.

I stress myself out because I'm unhappy with my situation (I still am). I really hope that someday I can make a living making art... but this is ALWAYS at the cost of my health. I'm always taking art jobs/internships on top of my existing day job. With more time spent working and commuting, I have less time to focus on my diet and health. But this is the way it has to be if I want to get a better job. A better life...

To date, I've been through three major flare-ups. And this retro entry describes the begining of the third one:

RETRO 06.21.2005
I need to be cured or just die. There is no room for anything in between. I'm tired of diarrhea. I'm so exhausted. I am missing too much work. I am missing out on life. This disease is seriously putting a dent on my self-esteem.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll just die the next day. Maybe that would e a good thing. At least I wouldn't have to worry about diarrhea anymore. I hate diarrhea. I've had it for about two weeks straight. No one understands what this is like. Not only is it inconvenient to keep running to the bathroom. But the pain is unbearable and not only does my stomach hurt... but so does my back [from exhausted bowels]. Some days I force myself to go to work so I can trick everyone into thinking that everything is normal. But its not. I suffer with stomach pains and disappear to the bathroom for 20 minutes so I can crap my brains out. Just thinking about it is making my stomach hurt. If only I had something to live for. I'm so negative about this. I don't feel like I have a will to live anymore. If I die, I die. And that's it.

I feel like I can't do anything with the way that I am. How can I work a job if I can't show up? How can I work if the only relief I get is from lying down for a few minutes? I can't lie down in the middle of the floor in the office.

I can't meet new people. The consant diarrhea makes me paranoid that I smell like ass. I don't want to smell like a public toilet. My food restrictions suck. I can't go anywhere for a long period of time. I never know how I'm going to feel. Sometimes the pain is crippling.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

RETRO 11.14.2004

UPDATE!! Hey guys, I found out that my deadline for my second job is Oct. 8, 2008!! So shortly after that I'll be able to make videos again. Yessss! Well... that is unless something silly happens. Argh... I'm going to try my hardest to not let that happen! Ahh, sorry, I still have to keep all this secret news. But yes, I will tell you once its all over.

Been so busy and stressed out that I'm losing weight and sleep over this. *sigh* Its a weird coincidence because the retro entry that I'm about to share is about body issues.

Before I was diagnosed with colitis, I wasn't fat, but I wasn't skinny either. I was always somewhere in the middle but always wanted to be thinner than I was. Now that I have UC, I've been able to stay at the same weight. These days its actually hard for me to gain weight. Mostly because if I eat too much I'll get a stomach ache. To avoid that my meals are always small and frequent. This method keeps me the same.

RETRO 11.14.2004
Yay! I'm getting skinny. I'm down to 105 lbs and I've been able to keep it off so far. But I still feel fat. I don't have a flat stomach yet. I'm going to have to work on that. The best part is that now I'm able to fit into all my old pants. I haven't worn some of these jeans since 1997. haha! The bad part is that my boobs shrunk. :P Oh well... I can't win them all. I've been on my recovery diet (SCD diet) for about 2 and 1/2 weeks now. Its pretty difficult to follow. I'm only getting the hang of it now. Its really teaching me a lot about time management. I can only eat things that I prepare. It sucks when I want to snack on something. Its not like I can just open a bag of chips. I hope I keep this weight off.

I had brunch today and it was really pleasant. I had eggs in toast with roasted tomatoes, mushrooms, and asparagus. I didn't eat the toast. And yay! The food I had at brunch didn't bother my stomach!

Afterwards I went shopping. I bought some cute things but ended up spending $130. Yeesh... I had fun and haven't been out in a while Money is starting to get tight because I cut my hours at work. I need to be careful with my spending.

Man... right now I'm so hungry. My stomach is like a bottomless pit I swear! I don't want to keep eating because I like the weight I'm at now. Blah... oh well.
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