RETRO 12.15.2005

Geez... its Wednesday already? Where did the time go?

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Originally written on 12.15.2005

I wonder when or if I'll ever meet with success. Its December now. Its been quite a year. It started off great but who would ever thought that it would end up like this. Maybe this is only the beginning. Maybe this is part of the journey. Maybe this is an important stepping stone for me to be creative. The summer was so unusual. 2005 was the summer of prescription drugs. I can't even believe I was loaded with five or more types of prescription drugs. Maybe I've gone crazy but at the time I felt like I knew everything. I had no control and my mind just wouldn't stop moving. I had trouble seeing because my eyes were rolling around on their own. I felt drunk all the time and it wasn't from alcohol. It was the prednisone. And when I wasn't feeling drunk, I was probably going through withdrawal or dehydration. People see so much potential in me. How come I can't see it? How come I'm not successful now?

I was going through my journal about a year ago and its the same shit. If I got back another year its probably the same again. When will things change? If it continues this way I have nothing to look forward to if everything is the same.

In the past month or more my hair started falling out again. It started in August. After the wedding I attended in October I cut it really short to save my hair. I look like a boy and I'm horribly embarrassed about it. I also hate having to explain it. Its depressing. I don't want to remember. Looking at myself keeps me in the same place. I can't move forward.

The difference between me and the next person is that I do everything alone. Maybe if I were to team up with someone or if there was someone willing to help. Have I been unapproachable all these years? Is this how everyone sees me? Looking back at my old journals, I don't really have any dependable family or friends. No one is supporting me. They're just watching me from the sidelines and maybe expecting me to fail. Or maybe they don't know how to help. Everything is maybe. It sucks.

Somehow I feel that if I moved out, things would be different. I would be granted a certain freedom and without the constant nagging from everyone. My mind might have been clear and I'll be able to work. But I can't do that now... its not realistic. There's no way to maintain an apartment without a job and I'll have to find a roommate. This is impossible without any friends...