RETRO 12.15.2005

Geez... its Wednesday already? Where did the time go?

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Originally written on 12.15.2005

I wonder when or if I'll ever meet with success. Its December now. Its been quite a year. It started off great but who would ever thought that it would end up like this. Maybe this is only the beginning. Maybe this is part of the journey. Maybe this is an important stepping stone for me to be creative. The summer was so unusual. 2005 was the summer of prescription drugs. I can't even believe I was loaded with five or more types of prescription drugs. Maybe I've gone crazy but at the time I felt like I knew everything. I had no control and my mind just wouldn't stop moving. I had trouble seeing because my eyes were rolling around on their own. I felt drunk all the time and it wasn't from alcohol. It was the prednisone. And when I wasn't feeling drunk, I was probably going through withdrawal or dehydration. People see so much potential in me. How come I can't see it? How come I'm not successful now?

I was going through my journal about a year ago and its the same shit. If I got back another year its probably the same again. When will things change? If it continues this way I have nothing to look forward to if everything is the same.

In the past month or more my hair started falling out again. It started in August. After the wedding I attended in October I cut it really short to save my hair. I look like a boy and I'm horribly embarrassed about it. I also hate having to explain it. Its depressing. I don't want to remember. Looking at myself keeps me in the same place. I can't move forward.

The difference between me and the next person is that I do everything alone. Maybe if I were to team up with someone or if there was someone willing to help. Have I been unapproachable all these years? Is this how everyone sees me? Looking back at my old journals, I don't really have any dependable family or friends. No one is supporting me. They're just watching me from the sidelines and maybe expecting me to fail. Or maybe they don't know how to help. Everything is maybe. It sucks.

Somehow I feel that if I moved out, things would be different. I would be granted a certain freedom and without the constant nagging from everyone. My mind might have been clear and I'll be able to work. But I can't do that now... its not realistic. There's no way to maintain an apartment without a job and I'll have to find a roommate. This is impossible without any friends...

RETRO 11.13.2005

Here's another entry that I found. Ahhh! So disorganized and out of order! Oh well.... I guess that's how my life is. But not for long!! I'm working on a lot of things to make my life better. I'm learning from my past and I won't let it keep me down.

Originally written on 11.13.05

I'm really unhappy... I've been this way for a long time now. And its not the kind that can be fixed with ice cream. I think this might be something much more serious...

I have big plans... but how can they be done if I'm so unmotivated? My body is working against me. I'm tired all the time... and probably giving in. My mom told me that she always feels like crying when she sees me because she doesn't know how to help me. She says that since she's my mom, she should know how to fix everything. Oh how I wish things were that simple. I wish I wasn't sick. I've been pushing everyone away because I don't want them to see me like this.

My mom knows how terribly unhappy I am living here... But how is this so? I have lived here my entire life. And this should be my home. But it doesn't feel like home anymore. This town has been polluted with negativity. She suggested that we run away together temporarily. Anywhere really. It would be her sacrifice so I would be able to have a change of environment. It sounds like an adventure at first, but after a while, I know it would be a tremendous strain on my family. We don't have a lot of family so it would just be me and my mom trying to make ends meet. I can't say yes to the suggestion. I don't want to split my family apart. I can't leave my Dad while the two of us leave. I would feel guilty for being selfish. I can't do it alone either... I'm not well enough to take care of myself yet. She's truly amazing... for not turning her back on me. She said that I could never be a burden and prays for my health every night. Its quite different from my dad. I love him... but he only watches from the sidelines. He wants to help, but gave up trying when the hospital said that there was not much anyone could do. He's watching me fade away.

This would be much easier if I were able to work... but at the present... I cannot. I feel so useless. I feel ugly too... The medicine that is supposed to help me is hurting me. Its making my hair fall out. I had to cut it very short. I look like a boy. Why can't I look like one of those cute girls with short hair? My hair is still falling out... And all of these side effects....

I can't stay. I can't leave. There is no place for me.

I hate this self-loating. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Maybe things would be different if I met with a certain amount of success I'd have more confidence and not doubt my abilities. Maybe if I didn't fall in love, or what I thought was love. Maybe then I wouldn't have gotten distracted and worked harder instead. Maybe this... maybe that... I've worried myself sick over the years. All this because I can't get a damn job. I wish everything was the way its supposed to be.

Outer Beauty

Hey everyone!

Just a small tip on how to build confidence. I just think its classy to be presentable.

I'd love it if we can go back to old-hollywood glamour.

Like Grace Kelly, now there's a classy lady!

RETRO 8.10.2005

I also found a retro entry from four summers ago.

Originally written on 8.10.2005

I hate my medication [prednisone]. Its making my body change so dramatically in short amounts of time. I didn't mind that much when my pills made me feel crazy, but now they make me feel ugly. So now I am crazy and ugly. I have developed a third eye and have grown a thick mustasche and chest hair. Just kidding. Blah... But really, it made my face swell. It looks like I gained 25 lbs, but only in the face and I'm starting a double chin. Like a lolipop. Big at the top and skinny at the bottom.

I have an anime convention coming up so the swelling better go away soon! I'm also not sure if I'm going to fit into my outfits, the medicine keeps me bloated. Blah... its not a big deal, but still, this puts a huge dent in my self-esteem. I know it'll go away eventually, but I wish it was now. I'm ashamed to go outside and show myself. I'm not going to see people until I feel pretty again. It sucks because there's nothing I can do about this but wait till it goes away. *sigh*

Oh yeah, and remember that job I was excited about? Over the phone they told me that I had the job. But a few days later I get a rejection letter. I told my department and they were excited for me but then just as outraged when I told them the bad news. I think it has something to do with rumors about my illness spreading around the office. I know its probably illegal... but how can anyone prove that?

Anyway, I'm going fishing with my dad later. That should cheer me up.

I feel so gross. :(

Banana Pops!

Hey Everyone! Summer is almost over... it makes me sad because I like everyone's laid back attitude right now. Once fall is here, everyone will stop smiling as much and start getting serious.

To keep summer alive, I made a recipe video on my favorite summer snack! Its super easy to make too! Ooh! Bananas!

Easy Asparagus Soup!

Hey Dudes! I thought it was about time to make another cooking video. This recipe is nice for the summer because its quick and can be served hot, or cold if you can't stand the summer heat!

I got the recipe from a fantastic book called: Recipes for the Specific Carbohydrate Diet by Raman Prasad
Its available where books are sold. Might want to check online for it.
Out of all the cookbooks I own, this one is my favorite because most of the recipes I tried came out right the first time!
They're simple enough for beginner cooks but also tasty enough for all. Best of all, the recipes use easy to find ingredients.

Raman's website is down the first week of August for technical service, but should be up next week!
http://www.scdrecipe.com/

Ask Fernpixel

I answer questions from a previous video!



Hopefully I can get some cooking videos up soon!