Wednesday, November 12, 2008

RETRO! 9.3.2005

Ha ha! I'm finally posting on a Wednesday! I'm almost caught up with all the entries that I owe you.

Retro 9.3.2005
Today is one of those days where I wished I was dead. I feel worthless. I need money but I can't get a job. I hate being sick. It could be worse I guess... I hate being lonely. Today the pain isn't Ulcerative Colitis. Its in my heart. Is this how its going to be? Am I going to be lonely forever? I hate being depressed. I don't feel like doing anything.

I don't feel social today but I want attention. I still don't feel like doing anything. So restless. I want to talk to someone but I don't feel like moving my mouth. Its too much effort.

I just watched American Psycho. I feel even worse than before. I want to eat my sorrows away. I am craving dried mangoes but we don't have any. I could go out and get some but there are several reasons why its wrong:
1) Its too hot outside
2) I don't have any money
3) I'm not even supposed to eat them

Maybe I'll just go to sleep. This would be my second nap of the day...

(written later the same day)
I tried to take a nap but its not that kind of tired. I'm almost certain that my pills make me feel crazy. My hair is falling out because of the pills. I feel so ugly. I'm scared and I just want things to change.

RETRO! 9.1.2005

Hey Everyone,

Here's a bonus retro entry while I can spare the time. hehe Slowly I'm figuring out this blogger thing so I'm happy to announce that I fixed the comments box. So now if you want to leave a comment on my blog, all you need is a google/gmail account. And I think by now everyone has one. You don't have to exclusively be a registered user to blogger in order to post.

RETRO 9.1.2005
I went swimming this morning with my friend. I like swimming a lot because it doesn't feel like exercise. I'm home now and feeling kinda weird. My Dandy Warhols CD is spinning in my CD player that doubles as a clock/radio. My medicine is making me feel drunk again. Its also making my hair go thin and fall out. I feel ugly.

I wish my eyes would focus and I'd stop feeling dizzy so I can clean my rom. I don't even know what to write anymore but I want to keep writing. I want to write something clever.

RETRO 7.30.2005

Hi guys, sorry for the lack of updates... I'm trying to get back in the habit of doing the retro entries again... sorry they are out of order. I keep finding things that I wrote in random places. I wrote a lot in my journals but they are also on random scraps of paper. I'm glad I put a date on most of them!

Anyway, here is an entry that I wrote while I was still taking Prednisone and when I was at my lowest recorded weight. This medicine gave me the munchies and made me feel like I was drunk all the time, and also gave me insomnia. It wasn't fun at all, except for the shopping...

Originally written on 7.30.2005

Blah, my body is so weird now. I mean, its kinda cool that I can wear clothes that hug my body more, but I feel so awkward with this sudden change. I'm not sure if I like it. I liked being curvy. I'm starting to get used to it as the days pass. I've had to relearn how to walk. Being confined to the bed for the last few weeks killed the circulation in my legs. They feel so stiff, as if they had aged one hundred years. I look like an old woman when I walk. These staggering steps as I hold my back with one arm. Its dreadful. My mom has been so supportive! How can anyone be so loving and unselfish?! She encourages me to walk and holds onto my arm very gently. I try to walk independently when I can.

I've had to get a whole new wardrobe! Nothing fits me anymore.... All my cool clothes has to be adjusted or given away. But what better way to motivate me to walk than to get all new clothes! haha! My mom took me shopping a few times. I got two new pairs of jeans (Size 1 and 2. I used to be a size 7-9), a fancy striped pink blazer, lots of new pajamas, a few dresses, and I even had to get all new underwear! ha! I love trying on stuff, but my mom has turned me into a doll! She likes having me dress in these clothes that she even wanted to assist me in the dressing room! "No way Mom! I'm a big girl now. haha!" Its only because I am so frail.

I've been keeping watch on my weight. Its way too scary! There was progress last week, I was initially 94 lbs, then dropped down to 92 lbs. The next day, I managed to get to 95 lbs. But then... the day after that (which was yesterday), I went down to 91 lbs! WTF?! My metabolism is burning at an alarming rate! I was so annoyed because ALL I DO IS EAT. I'm sick of eating but I have to. I don't even want to see food anymore. Its annoying because I have to eat like every hour. I'm not working or anything, so I can fully dedicate my time to my diet, but still! I want to do other things. And its not like I'm just eating, sometimes I feel dizzy, hungry, my stomach is hurting a lot, and I still have to prepare my food. Its a moral dilemma because, I have to eat, but is it worth getting up? I have to because otherwise, I will just feel worse. And its not only that. I have to drink lots of liquids, so when I'm not in the kitchen, I'm running to the bathroom. I'd like to watch a DVD without having to get up six times in the middle of it. I know I'm complaining a lot, but I've never been happier. The pain is minimal these days. Thank goodness!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

RETRO! 7.19.2005

Hey everyone! Sorry for the lack of updates! The comic stuff is at its very last deadline... (I know I said it last time, but seriously this is the last extension that I'm getting... so I can't mess this up!)

I feel terrible that I didn't even have enough time to update my blog... but I'll make up for it. I think I owe you four RETRO entries. So I'll release these when I can.

This particular entry is pretty gruesome because I was at the beginning of recovering from a flare and I got TONS OF GROSS side-effects from the medication. I'm not going to edit the gross parts because I feel that its important for you to know this information. Especially if you're wondering if you're the only one this is happening to. Or, to see what kinds of possible side
effects there are. This was an extremely difficult time for me. I was in very poor health physically and mentally and managed to write some of it down. This is from my personal experience:

RETRO 7.19.2005
Another beautiful Day! I embrace each pasing day like sunshine. I am happy to be alive. I'm not in good shape but I am at the very least, alive. I was thinking yesterday how I am incredibly lucky. Even after this horrific experience, it is safe to say that I will recover and hopefully be normal. I mean, what if there was permanent damage? I would be devastated if anything happened to my hands, my eyes, my brain! What else would I be living for? How can an artist create anything without the tools? I am so lucky.

The other day my two friends stopped by to visit me. Its very nice of them to do so. I'm here stuck in the house, pretty much confined to one room. I had almost forgotten what the rest of the house looked like. My dad took one of the plants to site outside. It makes the living room look weird but more spacious. Anyway, when they came over, we watched the movie, Swingers. Its very clever and witty. But I missed most of the movie because I had to take frequent bathroom breaks. I told them not to stop the movie for me because I didn't know how long it was going to take. Otherwise it would take forever to finish the movie and I tire easily. They bought me a shirt to cheer me up. Its light blue and has a pixelated monkey that says: Monkeys are good people. Its a small but it looks huge on me because I lost so much weight. I am 94 lbs the last time I checked. And that was on a full stomach.

My body looks disgusting. My arms are thin, my breasts are gone. I lost a lot of fat and muscle mass. I'm dangerously thin. I feel so brittle. My mind is active but my body feels like it is one-hundred years old. I may look thin, but I have a pot-belly because my insides are swollen... its probably distended too because I am in starvation mode. My thighs and calves have gotten significantly thinner. I've been battling thunder thighs my entire life. My calves feel very hollow and I feel like I have too much skin. Its as if I was deflated.

I've always had body image issues. Although I was never overweight, I was always treated like a chubby girl, especially from my family. Its the worst! I never felt like boys took notice of me and it didn't help that I never looked my age. I was a late bloomer. But anyway, its strange being able to see perspectives at both ends of the spectrum. I've always wished to be thin and now that I have reached this point, I don't like my body. I lost my butt and it feels like my bones are pressing against the seat when I sit down. It hurts! I want my old body back...

I am on heavy medication. I take Cipro and Metrocil - those are antibiotics. I am back on a heavy dose of prednisone, a steroid. Something else to protect my stomach from all these pills and last my maintanence drug - Colazal. Yuck! I am starting to get side effects too. Prednisone gives me headaches and makes me dizzy so walking around is even more difficult with this weak body. I also get insomnia. The antibiotics killed everything in my body and now I have a fungus infection called Candida. All of these white tissue things developed all over my mouth and tongue. Its like having a yeast infection in my freaking mouth! I hate this :(
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