Friday, January 30, 2009

false alarm?

Hm... no blood to report this morning *whew*. It must have been something I ate. I've been eating a small handful of nuts everyday for the past two weeks. Now, I don't really like nuts. I never have. But I'll eat them if they're around.

Before I had even had Ulcerative Colitis I preferred everything without nuts - ice cream, cookies, chocolate...

Since I don't really eat nuts, and that's the only thing that I've been doing differently, I'm almost positive that it caused the bleeding. I don't think I'll get a flare up. I'm far into the diet where I'm allowed to eat nuts. I might have overdid it and should take it easy on the nuts. I don't like them anyway. Its no big loss.

Thursday, January 29, 2009


I saw BLOOD this morning!!! OMG OMG! That's not good... I thought things were going ok.
Hm... I will have to do some further investigation tomorrow. This sucks...

More later.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

RETRO 11.26.2005

Yep! Its Wednesday! And you know what that means... its RETRO time! But before I get into that... just a little tidbit from me. Try to remember a time when you had a cold or the flu. Remember how your body and mind felt so crummy and you didn't want to do anything? Its the same thing with colitis... except, you don't know if you'll ever get better. With a cold or flu, you can expect to be better in a week or two. With ulcerative colitis, you never know how you're going to feel. Because you can't really do anything about it... you start feeling helpless and you start to doubt yourself. Or at least... that's how I know how I am. The best thing to do is to turn the negatives into positives. Make lists and goals. For every negative thing you think about yourself, you have to make it a rule to celebrate the positive things about yourself. For example:

negative: I hate that I feel tired all the time
positive: I'm glad I've never had a problem with my skin. I've never had acne and its been fairly easy to manage :)

Keeping a positive attitude is very important to survive. Once you reach a depression... its really hard to climb out of it. Its not impossible, but it certainly will be a long a difficult road.

Another thing to keep in mind... Do things that make you feel better. Some of the things I like to do to perk up a gloomy day:

-watch a favorite movie (for me, its currently "The Terminal" and "Mean Girls")
-take a bubble bath
-play around with my make-up even if no one will see me. I do this for myself. (its very shallow, but it works if you live by the phrase "look good, feel good". A small change will go a long way if you let it)

I'm like everyone else and there are times when I allow myself to sulk, but I snap out of it. It might take a week or more, but honestly, why would you want to waste your energy being sad when you can be happy? I don't know about you, but I'd rather be happy :)

I needed to mention all of this because the Retro entries around this time are very negative... but you'll see here towards the end that I try to make the most out of it. I plan things. I have good intentions.

(Originally written on 11.26.2005)
I'm watching prime time cartoons. I feel disgusting. I have lost almost all desire to do anything. I am sick, unmotivated, and I kinda just wish I were dead already. I'm running out of reasons for staying alive.

I'm just wondering how much longer will my life continue like this? I am incredibly lonely and unhappy with everything. I wish I knew what would make me happy. I feel so inadequate. Am I really a good artist? All of this work I've been doing... maybe I'm not any good. I mean, I don't think I'm even accomplished in anything. What can I offer? Am I at least the industry standard? How will I even get started? All I feel like doing is laying under the covers of my bed where it is safe. Last night I was awake wondering when the last time I was happy. I just couldn't remember. Maybe everything was a lie. Maybe all of this isn't real? I feel so stupid.

I read lots of books now. I'm trying to make a habit of it. My plan is to read a lot and if I find a scene that interests me, I will illustrate it. I really have to get my portfolio going. Its so outdated. I wish I could have some professional advice or a portfolio review. I don't think I am good enough anymore. I don't want to make excuses, but part of the work flow keeps getting interrupted by my illness. I've had periods where it was weeks or months before I was able to pick up a pen to write let alone a pencil for drawing.

I don't know anymore. I'm probably not approachable anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. Am I still the same person in the pictures? Was that me smiling six months ago?

I wonder if people who are successful felt this way? And how come I can't smile anymore? You know how people say, "At least you have your health". Well... I don't have that luxury anymore. Maybe my phrase is, "Be thankful you are alive". I really wish things were different. I don't know what I'm good at.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

RETRO 11.22.2005

(Originally written on 11.22.2005)

The doctors have been weening me off my [prednisone] medication slowly so now I am only on one kind of medicine. I have to tell you that the side effects are pretty unpleasant. The doctor thinks I am allergic to the medication (Colozal) and yet again I have to switch. I’m scared that the new one will be very expensive and will bring upon some more nasty side effects. I read up on a new one on the market. After weeks of using it, patients revealed that the medicine is toxic and emits radioactivity in the bloodstream after three weeks. Scary!!! How is that supposed to help me?! There is another alternative which is monthly injections. I still have to look up information on that method. Again, it will be VERY expensive. Bleah… it would be more cost effective if I were dead. Ugh… alternatives? Stick to the diet. Prayer? Win the lottery. Hope is not lost, just trampled on a bit.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

RETRO 11.17.2005

Hey everyone, I'm trying to be good about updating. hehe! Hope you're having a good week!
Retro 11.17.2005

Man, my legs are tired from standing. I just finished cooking. I made a lot of food but they all taste bad! My dish came out all wrong because I substituted pork for ground turkey and all the liquid evaporated making the whole thing dry. I also made like 25 mini burgers. Some are burned and all of them taste bitter. I think its because I added cheddar cheese. Bleah... this is the worst. I love to cook but if it comes out bad I still have to eat all of it. Maybe its because I'm angsty. If you don't put love into your food, it won't taste good.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

RETRO 11.13.2005

When people see me they think they have me all figured out. They think, "How can a girl like that have any problems? She's always smiling and having a good time". That's only a small piece of me. My life is far from perfect.

The thing about Ulcerative Colitis is that it does not discriminate. It effects people of all ages and both genders. So you never know. I've been more sensitive about things ever since I've encountered this illness... because you really don't know what anyone is going through unless they tell you. There's this phrase that's been getting popular around here. Its when something "unfair" happens to a person and they "wish diarrhea upon ______". Man... I can tell you that it does hurt my feelings. I know its an absurd thing to think that a person can have diarrhea for the rest of their life. I mean... come on, it doesn't sound real. But it is. And it happens to me. And I hate it. I don't think its funny when people bring it up. It reminds me of those times when I'm sitting on the toilet for an hour, shitting my guts out, and wishing I were dead.

You can't assume anything anymore. You can't assume that everyone is healthy. You can't assume that everyone is in a nuclear family. You can't assume anyone's sexual orientation.
So whatever it is, please take other people's feelings into consideration. You really never know.

Retro 11.13.2005

I'm really unhappy... I've been this way for a long time now. And its not the kind that can be fixed with ice cream. I think this might be something much more serious...

I have big plans... but how can they be done if I'm so unmotivated? My body is working against me. I'm tired all the time... and probably giving in. My mom told me that she always feels like crying when she sees me because she doesn't know how to help me. She says that since she's my mom, she should know how to fix everything. Oh how I wish things were simple. I wish I wasn't sick. I've been pushing everyone away because I don't want them to see me like this.

My mom knows how terribly unhappy I am living here... But how is this so? I have lived here my entire life. And this should be my home. But it doesn't feel like home anymore. This town has been polluted with negativity and I'm afraid that its starting to hypnotize me with its siren's song. She suggested that we run away together temporarily. California? Florida? Or even out of the country. Anywhere really. Its her sacrifice so I would be able to have a change of environment. It sounds like an adventure at first, but after a while, I know it would be a tremendous strain on my family. We don't have a lot of family so it would just be me and my mom trying to make ends meet. As much as possible, I would like all of us to stay together. I can't say yes to the suggestion. I would feel guilty for being selfish. I can't do it alone either... I'm not well enough to take care of myself yet. She's truly amazing... for not turning her back on me. She said that I could never be a burden and prays for my health every night. Its quite different from my dad. I love him... but he only watches from the sidelines. He wants to help, but gave up trying when the hospital said that there was not much anyone could do. He's watching me fade away.

This would be much easier if I were able to work... but at the present... I cannot. I feel so useless. I feel ugly too... The medicine that is supposed to help me is hurting me. Its making my hair fall out. I had to cut it very short. I look like a boy. Why can't I look like one of those cute girls with short hair? My hair is still falling out...

I can't stay. I can't leave. There is no place for me.

I hate this self-loating. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Maybe things would be different if I met with a certain amount of success. Maybe then I would have more confidence and not doubt my abilities. Maybe if I didn't fall in love, or what I thought was love. Maybe then I wouldn't have gotten distracted and worked harder instead. Maybe this... maybe that... I've worried myself sick over the years. All this because I can't get a damn job. I wish everything was the way its supposed to be.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

More RETRO 9.15.05 - 10.1.05

Hi Everyone! Happy New Year! I hope everyone is well rested from the holidays! Have you made your New Year's resolutions? I have a few... and one of them is keeping up with this blog. Now that all the holiday family obligations are over I can get back into the swing of things and continue my story on the road to recovery.

I don't know how many entries I owe by now... I sorta lost count. So tonight I'll give you two entries and I'll try my best to post more Retro entries on Wednesdays. And hopefully I can squeeze in time to write about my life now to keep you up to date!

These entries are really difficult for me because they're part of the lowest time of my life. At the time, I just finished treatment from a major flare-up. I was probably on Prednisone too. This part of my life is very foggy and the entries written during this time are very angsty. I still can't believe that this was me three years ago. I wasn't my usual self and I can't even imagine how I was effecting everyone else. I can't believe I lived like I was going to die. I somehow managed to climb out of depression. It wasn't easy but I got through it eventually.
Retro 9.15.05
My hair is still falling out. I don't know how much longer I can stand this. The past few days I haven't felt like I'm in the right mindset. Awful thoughts keep coming through my mind. I feel very useless... I mean is there any real reason to keep waking up in the morning? I really don't have anything to live for.

Two months ago I was thankful to be alive and now I wish I were dead.

Maybe its because I'm not getting anymore attention. I realized that I live in a very lonely world.

Retro 10.1.05
I am uninspired. Its not like I don't have time to do anything. I'm a bum! I spend hours goofing around the internet, watching tv, and closely monitoring my money as it drains away. When will I get my lucky break? I'm tired of how everything is.

Part of what I'm feeling is jealousy and the other part is rage. I seriously cannot stand people in relationships these days. I just get so pissed off! Even when I see it on tv. I don't know why! How am I supposed to get better if I'm constantly stressed out and full of hate?

Music is one of the simple but powerful tools that helps me survive. When I was crapping the life out of me, I sang. I sang loud. This is while I was on the toilet so I could distract myself from the pain. I probably could have died that day... Those days were so painful... I wish I were inspired again. I feel like a different person. I also feel ugly. My hair is falling out in bundles. Blah... what keeps me going? I'm getting depressed again. Or maybe I feel numb? I need direction. I have to be reminded of what I live for. It was or seemed to be clear when I was sick but I don't see it now. Maybe it was the medication? The starvation? The cabin fever? It could have been any of those things. I feel like I'm lacking attention, but when I have it I just want to be alone. Does that make any sense?
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