RETRO 7.30.2005

Hi guys, sorry for the lack of updates... I'm trying to get back in the habit of doing the retro entries again... sorry they are out of order. I keep finding things that I wrote in random places. I wrote a lot in my journals but they are also on random scraps of paper. I'm glad I put a date on most of them!

Anyway, here is an entry that I wrote while I was still taking Prednisone and when I was at my lowest recorded weight. This medicine gave me the munchies and made me feel like I was drunk all the time, and also gave me insomnia. It wasn't fun at all, except for the shopping...

Originally written on 7.30.2005

Blah, my body is so weird now. I mean, its kinda cool that I can wear clothes that hug my body more, but I feel so awkward with this sudden change. I'm not sure if I like it. I liked being curvy. I'm starting to get used to it as the days pass. I've had to relearn how to walk. Being confined to the bed for the last few weeks killed the circulation in my legs. They feel so stiff, as if they had aged one hundred years. I look like an old woman when I walk. These staggering steps as I hold my back with one arm. Its dreadful. My mom has been so supportive! How can anyone be so loving and unselfish?! She encourages me to walk and holds onto my arm very gently. I try to walk independently when I can.

I've had to get a whole new wardrobe! Nothing fits me anymore.... All my cool clothes has to be adjusted or given away. But what better way to motivate me to walk than to get all new clothes! haha! My mom took me shopping a few times. I got two new pairs of jeans (Size 1 and 2. I used to be a size 7-9), a fancy striped pink blazer, lots of new pajamas, a few dresses, and I even had to get all new underwear! ha! I love trying on stuff, but my mom has turned me into a doll! She likes having me dress in these clothes that she even wanted to assist me in the dressing room! "No way Mom! I'm a big girl now. haha!" Its only because I am so frail.

I've been keeping watch on my weight. Its way too scary! There was progress last week, I was initially 94 lbs, then dropped down to 92 lbs. The next day, I managed to get to 95 lbs. But then... the day after that (which was yesterday), I went down to 91 lbs! WTF?! My metabolism is burning at an alarming rate! I was so annoyed because ALL I DO IS EAT. I'm sick of eating but I have to. I don't even want to see food anymore. Its annoying because I have to eat like every hour. I'm not working or anything, so I can fully dedicate my time to my diet, but still! I want to do other things. And its not like I'm just eating, sometimes I feel dizzy, hungry, my stomach is hurting a lot, and I still have to prepare my food. Its a moral dilemma because, I have to eat, but is it worth getting up? I have to because otherwise, I will just feel worse. And its not only that. I have to drink lots of liquids, so when I'm not in the kitchen, I'm running to the bathroom. I'd like to watch a DVD without having to get up six times in the middle of it. I know I'm complaining a lot, but I've never been happier. The pain is minimal these days. Thank goodness!