Monday, June 29, 2009

My menu... and Whoops!

Hey Everyone!

I totally forgot to post a RETRO entry last week because I went to see Transformers: Rise of the Fallen on opening night and completely forgot about blogging... that's total fail... I'll probable either post the entry tomorrow or maybe two on Wednesday. We'll see...

On other news, I was busy grocery shopping and cooking today and so far I've made some fantastic SCD foods:

-Grapefruit Punch
-SCD candied carrots
-Lime infused basil chicken
-homemade pesto sauce

I'm so tired!!!

p.s. I got a new movie camera. It looks like this:

I was playing around with it. The quality isn't spectacular, but for the [sale] price I got it for, I can't complain!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


I got my insurance claim in the mail for my colonoscopy. If I didn't have insurance at the time, I would have owed $8,882.00
I'll throw out some numbers on what some of the charges were if I had no insurance.

In my claim it lists some of these:

Drugs: $297.00 (This is the anesthesia used to keep me asleep during the procedure)
Anesthesia supplies: 1,000.00 (I'm guessing that this is for the IV set up in my arm, oxygen mask, and the needle they used to inject it)
Recovery room: $1000.00 (This is for them putting me in a bed and waiting for me to wake up - ridiculous!)
Facility Charges: $4,500.00 (This is for me hanging out in the hospital in a day - insane!!)

WITHOUT insurance my total for the day would have been $8.882.00
There are other charges in there for laboratory fees and such. But that's a huge burden I'd have to pay if I didn't have insurance.

How much did I really pay? The bills are starting to trickle in, but it is nowhere near the amount above. I'm probably paying close to $200 only. But seriously... I don't understand why some of the costs are so much. Really?! $1,000 for me to sit in a bed?! These people are crazy.

If I didn't have insurance I could easily burn a hold into my savings. I know I'm stubborn about seeing the doctor, but mostly its because I just can't afford it. I have insurance now, but it will run out in December. I need to find a decent job by then, but with this economy I really don't know if that is going to happen.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Darkness and Light

Sometimes I feel sad when everyone else is happy. I get jealous that they get to live normal lives. Ulcerative Colitis has altered my fate. I need to realistically think of what may happen to me. People are constantly telling me not to worry about what I'm about to reveal to you, but they cannot possibly understand why I think about these things. Maybe you can understand...

My cousin worked at a cemetery and told me all about the business. Its not wrong to write a Will or buy a coffin and a plot. We'll all die and need these things someday. It occurred to me that he's absolutely right! Smart people plan ahead of time.

Why am I bringing this up? Knowing that I have Ulcerative Colitis, I've thought about what might eventually happen to me. At the best case scenario, I will grow old and have a run in with the occasional flare-up, but otherwise life will progress normally.

At worse case scenario, I've asked myself the following questions: (Its fine if you disagree with me. But I must bring up these topics because no one else will. You may not want to continue reading because I'll be talking about morbid futures that may parallel your own. Consider yourself warned.)

Relationship issues
1. Would it be fair to date someone/get married knowing what burden I might become because of my illness?
2. What if someday I need to get surgery, will my partner still find me attractive if I have an ileostomy bag attached to me? One that is filled with stool? (Please note: I am not poking fun at anyone)
3. Will my partner be willing to assist me if I become completely helpless?
4. Will my partner be willing to clean me up if I soil myself?
5. Will my partner be able to handle my financial burden if I become unable to work?
6. Will my partner still want to be with me knowing that I have increased risk of colon cancer? Will my partner be ok with seeing me go through expensive treatment and a horribly slow and painful death?

Future Family Issues
1. Would it be fair to have children someday? The causes of Ulcerative Colitis are still unknown, however, it is not out of the question to assume the possibility of the children inheriting the disease.
2. Will becoming pregnant cause danger to myself or my offspring? I've read that there have been many mothers with Ulcerative Colitis that have had successful births, but would there be complications and risks of a flare-up? I'd imagine that steroid [prednisone] treatment would not be possible.
3. Is there a possibility that I may die during childbirth, but the baby lives? Would it be fair to the child to grow up without a mother?
4. Is the SCD diet enough to sustain a pregnant woman?

I'm not looking to get pregnant in the near future, but I ask myself these questions now rather than be surprised, overwhelmed and disappointed later.

Again, I bring up these topics because no one else will. These questions sit in the back of my mind. I think about them everyday and it makes me think that thanks to Ulcerative Colitis, my life is ruined because I don't have much to look forward to. I know my disease may get in the way of getting married or having children. My disease bounds me to my home. My disease keeps me isolated. I wish I could go back in time and be the person I was six years ago; extremely happy and optimistic. But I can't be that person anymore. Ulcerative Colitis has beaten me down. A part of me has already died. I lost my zest for life.

I stopped thinking big... my goals are smaller. Much smaller... My top three list consists of:
1. To be able to look into the toilet and find a formed bowel movement.
2. Eat a slice of pizza someday.
3. Not think about Ulcerative Colitis.

Strangely enough, with the entire universe against me, I keep going. I'm holding onto my little scraps of hope. I think about my family and friends that still want me around. I think about my pets that depend on me for their care. I think about all of the Ulcerative Colitis Supporters (you!) who thank me for being brave and inspiring... but I'm just being myself and honest about a subject that no one wants to talk about. I'm not really that special... because I'm sure we are thinking the same things. The only difference is that I'm putting it on the internet.

And last, I'd like to mention that I hold on to the smallest glimmer of hope that one day I'll be able to make a living making art and traveling the world.

Today, Ulcerative Colitis may have won the battle, but it hasn't won the war.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Ask Me Anything (June 30 Deadline)

I'm back!!! Sort of... Just a few things on what I've been up to. Now that my internet seems to be up and running, I'll be more present on the internet.

"Ask Fernpixel" Rules:
1) Ask me a question on this blog entry (or on the attached YouTube video)
2) Please don't ask anything weird or too personal - I won't answer those
3) You can ask more than one question if you want
4) Ask before June 30th

Answers to the questions will be posted on a video in the first week of July.

Friday, June 5, 2009

I disappeared again!

Oh man! Its been an on-going war with the internet company, but it appears to be fixed. If the internet guy has to come over my house for a third time, I'm switching companies. How annoying!

Anyway... not much has been going on, I'm only starting to explore the culinary world again. For a while, I was playing it safe and eating boiled carrots, yogurt, and chicken soup to take it easy on my stomach. I've been ok, so now I can start eating more interesting SCD meals which I miss.

Here's a really late video!!!
I'll see if I can start up those retro entries again. :)
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