Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Why I'm not worried about not having a job

Ok, so maybe I'm a little worried because it is a sensitive topic. I'm not in serious debt, however I still have concerns about the continuous medical bills. A good day for me is when the mailman shows up empty handed. This means that I don't have another bill to add to the pile.

The truth is I've been living off of my savings. I've always been good about saving money and I'm grateful that I have enough for such life emergencies. I know I can't continue to live this way. I'll say what everyone is thinking: its stupid and dangerous. And I agree. Sure, I don't have the kind of stress that a 9-5 job would bring. But being at home all the time brings upon a different level of stress. I don't like it and this is no way to live either. I am young and capable. I should be out in the world. Living like this is embarrassing. I feel like people are frowning upon my ways. My family gave up on me a long time ago and they don't know how to help me. I get criticized for not picking a stable field of work. Believe me, if I were to do my life over, I wouldn't have picked artist. Its a tough industry to get into, especially if my network is the size of a pea.

If you've been following my blog and videos, I have been miserable for more than a year. This has a lot to do with the job I accepted in August of 2008. I wasn't comfortable with the opportunity, but I accepted it in lieu of the recession. I had money and insurance, but I also wasn't myself and I didn't like it. The job transformed me into a monster. Every word that came out of my mouth was a complaint and the stress made me sick. It was a huge relief to become laid off but it isn't fun to deplete my savings. As much as I hate to admit, I feel that this hiatus (aka living like a bum) was necessary for me. I'm confronting a lot of the problems that I've had for years. I've taken time to re-evaluate and focus to what I really want and what I need. I've improved the quality of my life by eating better, exercising, and learning how to relax.

The reason why I'm not worried about not having a job is because deep down inside I know that my life won't be like this forever. I wouldn't have believed this a year ago because my previous employer made me feel worthless. I felt trapped. That aspect of my life made me feel like I was going to be miserable forever.

The mind and body are incredible things. Unfortunately for us suffering with UC, our bodies aren't reliable. These limitations make it easy to fall into a depression, so you have to keep your mind strong. Its the only thing you can control. I've used this time to make my body stronger but this was only possible because didn't allow my brain to lose its optimism. Even if my optimism was low, it was still there. I held on to it as tightly as I could, and its still there.

So here I am at the end of 2009 and the the beginning of 2010. The vacation is over and its time to aggressively find a job. It took me a long time to figure out what I like and what I want to do. I finally have a place in mind where I think I belong. I don't have feelings of dread anymore when it comes to finding a job because it doesn't seem impossible. Unfortunately I can't tell you where this place is. I don't want to jinx my luck or increase my competition. So you'll have to wait until I'm there before I can tell you :)


Skinny Girl said...

You are right, it's all about perspective. You are where you need to be now and when it is time for change you will. Too often I think we try to fit into other people's definitions of what we should do. But it is your life and if a break was needed so you could recharge then I think that is great. Now that you are ready, good luck with your search and may you and the perfect job be united soon!

Charity said...

I want to tell you what a help your blog is. My husband and my boys are temporarily living with my in-laws while we wait for our house to close and my sister-in-law lives there also, suffering with UC. We had no idea what she had been going through and this blog is just another step in us understanding how to support her and know what's going on in her head as she finds ways to live with this illness. Thank you so much for being willing to talk about your struggles. We appreciate it!

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