RETRO 06.21.2005

Hi Everyone!! I hope all of you are doing well. I'm sharing my RETRO entry a day early because I'm not sure how much time I have tomorrow to write in my blog...

There's a huge gap in time between this entry and the last entry (which was dated in November). I did write stuff in between that time. But some of that stuff was either not related to colitis or too personal for me to share. So I'd rather not write about it here. Please understand.

Anyway, this entry is about the beginning of a third major flare up for me. I think this was the worst one I've experienced in my life. At the time, I was on the SCD diet, but was not on it faithfully. Also at the time, I went back to work full-time prematurely PLUS I had a solo art gallery opening to prepare for. So on top of my poor health habits, I was super stressed out!! It isn't easy having UC... The only way I've been getting through this is just taking it one day at a time.

I stress myself out because I'm unhappy with my situation (I still am). I really hope that someday I can make a living making art... but this is ALWAYS at the cost of my health. I'm always taking art jobs/internships on top of my existing day job. With more time spent working and commuting, I have less time to focus on my diet and health. But this is the way it has to be if I want to get a better job. A better life...

To date, I've been through three major flare-ups. And this retro entry describes the begining of the third one:

RETRO 06.21.2005
I need to be cured or just die. There is no room for anything in between. I'm tired of diarrhea. I'm so exhausted. I am missing too much work. I am missing out on life. This disease is seriously putting a dent on my self-esteem.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll just die the next day. Maybe that would e a good thing. At least I wouldn't have to worry about diarrhea anymore. I hate diarrhea. I've had it for about two weeks straight. No one understands what this is like. Not only is it inconvenient to keep running to the bathroom. But the pain is unbearable and not only does my stomach hurt... but so does my back [from exhausted bowels]. Some days I force myself to go to work so I can trick everyone into thinking that everything is normal. But its not. I suffer with stomach pains and disappear to the bathroom for 20 minutes so I can crap my brains out. Just thinking about it is making my stomach hurt. If only I had something to live for. I'm so negative about this. I don't feel like I have a will to live anymore. If I die, I die. And that's it.

I feel like I can't do anything with the way that I am. How can I work a job if I can't show up? How can I work if the only relief I get is from lying down for a few minutes? I can't lie down in the middle of the floor in the office.

I can't meet new people. The consant diarrhea makes me paranoid that I smell like ass. I don't want to smell like a public toilet. My food restrictions suck. I can't go anywhere for a long period of time. I never know how I'm going to feel. Sometimes the pain is crippling.