Thursday, October 30, 2008

RETRO 7.16.2005

Hi Everyone! Ahh! So totally sorry that I haven't been keeping up with the retro entries either! Yikes!!! I'll make it up somehow. hehe I still have lots of past entries to share. Its just a matter of finding a moment to type them out. Since I owe you guys a few entries, I'll post them within the next couple of days to catch up. After this one, I owe you two more :)

The next few entries are interesting because I wrote these after I was recovering from my second major flare up. That was the worst time in my life!! This is where I lost so much weight that I was confined to a bed for 3 weeks because I was too weak to walk. There's a huge gap of space between this entry and the last retro entry because I was too weak to write anything down. I wish I did... but I physically couldn't. So anyway, please read below:

RETRO 7.16.2005
Wow! I'm not dead! I really thought I was going to die. I have been in so much pain because my Ulcerative Colitis flared up. I cannot believe I am still alive after all that I have been through. I am still in bad shape but it is safe to say that I will recover. Slowly, but I will recover. I am 94 lbs right now. I'm not sure if this is my lowest weight because I was too weak to weigh myself before. I have almost no fat and lost a lot of muscle. I'm skin and bones! Its painful to move but I am alive. I lost so much weight through dehydration and the many bouts of diarrhea. Before I got my flare up, I think I was about 108 lbs. This stupid illness is disgusting and painful. I hope this is the last time it ever happens. I am young and can still fight this off, but if from a few years from now... if this happens again, I maybe not be so lucky. The pain alone would surely kill me. The pain feels like a combination of doing 1,000 sit-ups, getting hit in the stomach with a baseball bat and the feeling of someone scraping my insides and pouring salt into the wound.


Anonymous said...

I just wanted to let you know that people do read this...well, I know i definitely do, and just you existing at all is such a huge relief for me---seriously. I'm a girl, 22, artistic also, and have suffered on the occasion ( mostly between the ages of 10 and 20) ( it's gotten eons better the last 2 years because i just basically don't eat much and try not to stress much either---mine was linked to extreme anxiety disorder/panic attacks) and I have no idea how I found you ,but I am so glad I did. You are such an inspiration, seriously. The fact that you go through something I first-handedly know is gruesome and talk about it with SUCH grace is just amazing. Seriously. I heart you. Please don't stop, and I wish you the absolute best with your colon and your art, and think of you a bit every time I think I can't do it. Thank you thank you thank you!

fernpixel said...

Hi Yas,

Thanks so much for messaging me :) Its good to know that people are reading this. I do feel a little weird about sharing this very personal information... so I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue writing these (especially since I thought no one was reading it hehe). But now I realize now much more valuable it is to share it. Thanks for believing in me :)

Oh, I don't plan on stopping my blogs or videos... I just have to take a short break from it because of other things that I'm involved with. As soon as my schedule clears I'll be back :)

feathered fish said...

That sounds about right. I was trying to describe it to my mom once and came up with somebody dragging a heavily studded mace through your gut--but that was mild compared to some of my earlier flares. I think my body decided it didn't like the pain and has dulled it since (wonder if that's possible)as even the bout that landed me in the hospital didn't hurt as much. The doc informed me that we needed to redefine "intolerable pain" as i was using that as the threshold and thus hadn't figured anything serious was wrong... but 7yrs on, things seem okay. have a 4yr overdue colonoscopy in a few weeks. can you believe they flavour the stuff with vanilla and aspartame? yuck. At least it's not Fleets--apparently it's no longer used due to kidney issues?

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