Wednesday, January 7, 2009

More RETRO 9.15.05 - 10.1.05

Hi Everyone! Happy New Year! I hope everyone is well rested from the holidays! Have you made your New Year's resolutions? I have a few... and one of them is keeping up with this blog. Now that all the holiday family obligations are over I can get back into the swing of things and continue my story on the road to recovery.

I don't know how many entries I owe by now... I sorta lost count. So tonight I'll give you two entries and I'll try my best to post more Retro entries on Wednesdays. And hopefully I can squeeze in time to write about my life now to keep you up to date!

These entries are really difficult for me because they're part of the lowest time of my life. At the time, I just finished treatment from a major flare-up. I was probably on Prednisone too. This part of my life is very foggy and the entries written during this time are very angsty. I still can't believe that this was me three years ago. I wasn't my usual self and I can't even imagine how I was effecting everyone else. I can't believe I lived like I was going to die. I somehow managed to climb out of depression. It wasn't easy but I got through it eventually.
Retro 9.15.05
My hair is still falling out. I don't know how much longer I can stand this. The past few days I haven't felt like I'm in the right mindset. Awful thoughts keep coming through my mind. I feel very useless... I mean is there any real reason to keep waking up in the morning? I really don't have anything to live for.

Two months ago I was thankful to be alive and now I wish I were dead.

Maybe its because I'm not getting anymore attention. I realized that I live in a very lonely world.

Retro 10.1.05
I am uninspired. Its not like I don't have time to do anything. I'm a bum! I spend hours goofing around the internet, watching tv, and closely monitoring my money as it drains away. When will I get my lucky break? I'm tired of how everything is.

Part of what I'm feeling is jealousy and the other part is rage. I seriously cannot stand people in relationships these days. I just get so pissed off! Even when I see it on tv. I don't know why! How am I supposed to get better if I'm constantly stressed out and full of hate?

Music is one of the simple but powerful tools that helps me survive. When I was crapping the life out of me, I sang. I sang loud. This is while I was on the toilet so I could distract myself from the pain. I probably could have died that day... Those days were so painful... I wish I were inspired again. I feel like a different person. I also feel ugly. My hair is falling out in bundles. Blah... what keeps me going? I'm getting depressed again. Or maybe I feel numb? I need direction. I have to be reminded of what I live for. It was or seemed to be clear when I was sick but I don't see it now. Maybe it was the medication? The starvation? The cabin fever? It could have been any of those things. I feel like I'm lacking attention, but when I have it I just want to be alone. Does that make any sense?


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