RETRO 11.26.2005

Yep! Its Wednesday! And you know what that means... its RETRO time! But before I get into that... just a little tidbit from me. Try to remember a time when you had a cold or the flu. Remember how your body and mind felt so crummy and you didn't want to do anything? Its the same thing with colitis... except, you don't know if you'll ever get better. With a cold or flu, you can expect to be better in a week or two. With ulcerative colitis, you never know how you're going to feel. Because you can't really do anything about it... you start feeling helpless and you start to doubt yourself. Or at least... that's how I know how I am. The best thing to do is to turn the negatives into positives. Make lists and goals. For every negative thing you think about yourself, you have to make it a rule to celebrate the positive things about yourself. For example:

negative: I hate that I feel tired all the time
positive: I'm glad I've never had a problem with my skin. I've never had acne and its been fairly easy to manage :)

Keeping a positive attitude is very important to survive. Once you reach a depression... its really hard to climb out of it. Its not impossible, but it certainly will be a long a difficult road.

Another thing to keep in mind... Do things that make you feel better. Some of the things I like to do to perk up a gloomy day:

-watch a favorite movie (for me, its currently "The Terminal" and "Mean Girls")
-take a bubble bath
-play around with my make-up even if no one will see me. I do this for myself. (its very shallow, but it works if you live by the phrase "look good, feel good". A small change will go a long way if you let it)

I'm like everyone else and there are times when I allow myself to sulk, but I snap out of it. It might take a week or more, but honestly, why would you want to waste your energy being sad when you can be happy? I don't know about you, but I'd rather be happy :)

I needed to mention all of this because the Retro entries around this time are very negative... but you'll see here towards the end that I try to make the most out of it. I plan things. I have good intentions.

(Originally written on 11.26.2005)
I'm watching prime time cartoons. I feel disgusting. I have lost almost all desire to do anything. I am sick, unmotivated, and I kinda just wish I were dead already. I'm running out of reasons for staying alive.

I'm just wondering how much longer will my life continue like this? I am incredibly lonely and unhappy with everything. I wish I knew what would make me happy. I feel so inadequate. Am I really a good artist? All of this work I've been doing... maybe I'm not any good. I mean, I don't think I'm even accomplished in anything. What can I offer? Am I at least the industry standard? How will I even get started? All I feel like doing is laying under the covers of my bed where it is safe. Last night I was awake wondering when the last time I was happy. I just couldn't remember. Maybe everything was a lie. Maybe all of this isn't real? I feel so stupid.

I read lots of books now. I'm trying to make a habit of it. My plan is to read a lot and if I find a scene that interests me, I will illustrate it. I really have to get my portfolio going. Its so outdated. I wish I could have some professional advice or a portfolio review. I don't think I am good enough anymore. I don't want to make excuses, but part of the work flow keeps getting interrupted by my illness. I've had periods where it was weeks or months before I was able to pick up a pen to write let alone a pencil for drawing.

I don't know anymore. I'm probably not approachable anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. Am I still the same person in the pictures? Was that me smiling six months ago?

I wonder if people who are successful felt this way? And how come I can't smile anymore? You know how people say, "At least you have your health". Well... I don't have that luxury anymore. Maybe my phrase is, "Be thankful you are alive". I really wish things were different. I don't know what I'm good at.