RETRO 11.13.2005

When people see me they think they have me all figured out. They think, "How can a girl like that have any problems? She's always smiling and having a good time". That's only a small piece of me. My life is far from perfect.

The thing about Ulcerative Colitis is that it does not discriminate. It effects people of all ages and both genders. So you never know. I've been more sensitive about things ever since I've encountered this illness... because you really don't know what anyone is going through unless they tell you. There's this phrase that's been getting popular around here. Its when something "unfair" happens to a person and they "wish diarrhea upon ______". Man... I can tell you that it does hurt my feelings. I know its an absurd thing to think that a person can have diarrhea for the rest of their life. I mean... come on, it doesn't sound real. But it is. And it happens to me. And I hate it. I don't think its funny when people bring it up. It reminds me of those times when I'm sitting on the toilet for an hour, shitting my guts out, and wishing I were dead.

You can't assume anything anymore. You can't assume that everyone is healthy. You can't assume that everyone is in a nuclear family. You can't assume anyone's sexual orientation. So whatever it is, please take other people's feelings into consideration. You really never know.

Retro 11.13.2005

I'm really unhappy... I've been this way for a long time now. And its not the kind that can be fixed with ice cream. I think this might be something much more serious...

I have big plans... but how can they be done if I'm so unmotivated? My body is working against me. I'm tired all the time... and probably giving in. My mom told me that she always feels like crying when she sees me because she doesn't know how to help me. She says that since she's my mom, she should know how to fix everything. Oh how I wish things were simple. I wish I wasn't sick. I've been pushing everyone away because I don't want them to see me like this.

My mom knows how terribly unhappy I am living here... But how is this so? I have lived here my entire life. And this should be my home. But it doesn't feel like home anymore. This town has been polluted with negativity and I'm afraid that its starting to hypnotize me with its siren's song. She suggested that we run away together temporarily. California? Florida? Or even out of the country. Anywhere really. Its her sacrifice so I would be able to have a change of environment. It sounds like an adventure at first, but after a while, I know it would be a tremendous strain on my family. We don't have a lot of family so it would just be me and my mom trying to make ends meet. As much as possible, I would like all of us to stay together. I can't say yes to the suggestion. I would feel guilty for being selfish. I can't do it alone either... I'm not well enough to take care of myself yet. She's truly amazing... for not turning her back on me. She said that I could never be a burden and prays for my health every night. Its quite different from my dad. I love him... but he only watches from the sidelines. He wants to help, but gave up trying when the hospital said that there was not much anyone could do. He's watching me fade away.

This would be much easier if I were able to work... but at the present... I cannot. I feel so useless. I feel ugly too... The medicine that is supposed to help me is hurting me. Its making my hair fall out. I had to cut it very short. I look like a boy. Why can't I look like one of those cute girls with short hair? My hair is still falling out...

I can't stay. I can't leave. There is no place for me.

I hate this self-loating. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Maybe things would be different if I met with a certain amount of success. Maybe then I would have more confidence and not doubt my abilities. Maybe if I didn't fall in love, or what I thought was love. Maybe then I wouldn't have gotten distracted and worked harder instead. Maybe this... maybe that... I've worried myself sick over the years. All this because I can't get a damn job. I wish everything was the way its supposed to be.