RETRO 10.28.2004

Sorry guys... I'm still being lame because I have like no time... but at least I'm being good about the retro entries right? hahaahhaahha... I'll be back. I promise.

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RETRO 10.28.04
I drink peppermint tea because its supposedly supposed to aid in digestion as some natural herbal remedy. I don't particularly like it. It tastes like stale ater with a hint of toothpaste. Its disgusting when its warm. But I will try anything to make me better.

I'm home from work again. I can't believe that my disability is acute diarrhea. Its kind of amusing if you think about it... but it still sucks.

My weight is slowly creeping back. I am at 110 lbs today. I'm secretly liking my new slimmer self. But all that weight was probably water loss only.

I snuck out of the house this moring to do errands. Its the first time I've been out of the house by myself in two weeks I think. I went to the grocery store. There was an incompetent woman at the register that wanted to give me seventeen singles in change because her supervisor wasn't there. She kept me waiting fifteen minutes. Its very annoying especially when a diarrhea episode could happen any minute.

But I also did a good deed today. Unfortunately my hamster passed away recently. I went to the pet shop to donate the leftover food for them to use in their store. Nothing was wasted.

home on a friday night...

I'm so tired... Been working so hard and not taking care of myself. I have a sore throat :(
I really need to get more sleep.

Sleep is another issue... I would lay in bed and be awake for more than an hour. Then finally I fall asleep but wake up in two hours... Its awful. I found out what's causing this. I was taking cold medicine and I think one of the ingredients was keeping me awake. It happened the two nights that I took the medicine and I'm not going to try it again.

Tonight I'm going a little more natural. I'm going to gargle with salt and warm water for my sore throat. And use some lavender scented lotion to help me fall asleep.

augh... i'm so late on my deadline... soon this over-working nightmare will end... Ahh! But you know what? If the opportunity ever came again... I'd probably do the same thing that I'm doing now. Its really stupid at the cost of my health... but I'll explain why in a future video... If I ever get around to it. This second job seems endless. But anyway, there's a really good reason for this madness. It needs to be kept a secret though. Sorry. I'll eventually tell you though. Oh! The suspense! What is Fernpixel plotting?!! Bwahahahaha!

RETRO 10.26.2004

Hey everyone! Thanks to everyone who left a comment in my last post. I saw some great suggestions from Tim and Yas2be so I'm already planning on what I'm going to say about those :) Please feel free to leave more comments/suggestions on videos. yay!

The videos will come eventually. Just keep watching for it... but at the very least I'll be updating my blog more frequently.

And now its RETRO time!

Ulcerative Colitis is a debilitating disease. What is the doctor's attitude towards it? Here you go:

Take your medication and deal with it. Its lifelong.

Hm... sorry that answer is not good enough for me. Today is another bad day. I spent most of the night uncomfortable and constipated. When I finally went to the bathroom I could not sleep.

I really wish I could clean my room but that requires a lot of bending down. The pain today is awful and I don't want to crumple my abdomen. Even sitting in a chair for a while is painful. I am dying to go outside for a walk to stretch my legs at least.

ahh! I can't sleep!!

Hey guys... I can't seem to get back to sleep, so I figured I'll post something. Anyway, I still do check YT... I just feel terrible that I've been really bad about replying messages. I answer what I can, but ahh, I think I might've missed some messages.

Anyway, I've been itching to make new videos, but I still can't because I had to extend the deadline on my second job. blah... I know excuses/excuses.

I guess I could at least let you guys know what I plan on making videos about. This is so I won't forget, and this is also your chance to send me requests. I'll get to them as soon as my second job is OVER!!! ahhh!

So anyway, this is what I have planned:

• SCD yogurt using commercial starter
• Mediterranean inspired grilled veggies
• 3 part series explaining the different kinds of surgery for colitis
• Exploring the dynamics of how colitis effects relationships

I think those are pretty good topics. I'm also on the fence about whether or not to make a Fernpixel FAQ... because I do get a lot of the same questions. I don't really mind... but the one thing I seriously do get annoyed with is when people ask me about my medication. I mean, I list the kind of medication on the side, I mention it on the video, I show the name and the kind of pills in the video. And I show that I'm swallowing the pills!!! What more can I possibly tell you about my medication if its all there? ahhhh!!!

uh... ignore that freak out moment lol. Ok, so if there are any requests. Please comment or leave me a message on YouTube.

Thanks :)
-fp

RETRO 10.24.2004

Ahh! I keep falling behind! So busy busy busy.... I'm trying my best to keep up with this thing.

(originally posted October 24, 2004)

I realized that my air is thick and healthy once again. Three months ago I had to cut it very short because the side effects of my previous medicine, Asacol, was making it fall out and go thin. I am on a different brand (Colazal) at higher doses. I'm afraid that it will happen again. I was really hoping to have long hair again too.

A milestone happened tonight. For the first time in over a month, I had some firm S!! I've been suffering bloody D all month. My S is nothing close to normal, but its looking like progress.

My parents are very concerned with my health. I am thankful for their efforts in supporting me, but I also know that they are scared. I wonder if they think I'm dying?

I have a very high tolerance for pain, but this kind is so constant, it bears down on me so hard. I don't know if my body can continue. I'm so scared that I might not even wake up the next morning.

Retro fernpixel tomorrow... but for now a tip

Hey everyone!! I'm still doing ok. I'm still managing two jobs... argh... I'm too sleepy to pull out one of my colitis journals and type them on here. I do have a memory to share.

In my last "retro fernpixel" entry I mentioned that during a flare-up I didn't leave the house in more than a week. There was another time when I was confined to a bed for three weeks because I lost so much weight that I couldn't support myself to stand up and walk. I can tell you that my mental state at the time didn't feel right. Along with all the prednisone, insomnia, and starvation came paranoia. I think I started worrying everyone. My mom thought it would be good to get some fresh air so we went out and got some groceries and she also bought me a Betta fish!!

I'm not sure if any of you saw that Tom Hanks movie. You know, the one where he gets shipwrecked and he had his friend "Wilson". I felt almost the same as his character. I was alone a lot while my family was at work. I kept the TV on all the time just so it wouldn't be so quiet.

If you're feeling a little weird because you've been sick too long, I would highly recommend venting out your feelings in a journal. Or, if that doesn't suit your needs, take the responsibility over something alive, like a plant or a small pet. It makes a world of difference just to have something moving around to change up your routine. A dog or cat would be better... but my housing situation doesn't allow me to have any :(

I picked a fish because it was the easiest to care for in a small 1 gallon bowl. I would've loved to have a hamster, but I knew I wouldn't be able to lift the 20 gallon aquarium when it came time to cleaning the cage.

My fish kept me company for almost a year during my worst times. But then he fish passed away a few years ago when the weather started getting cold. I was a little devastated... ahh, I have fond memories of that little fish.

So pets and plants are a-ok!! Just make sure you can be a responsible owner too.

hm... I kinda miss having a fish around... I might get one when my second job is over.

RETRO 10.24.2004

Hey dudes, here's the one I owe you - and after this I'll be all caught up till next Wednesday. And its a long retro fernpixel entry too. Um... I won't write anything else because this entry will already be long. This entry has the first time I found out about the Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD) and tried it out for the first time.

(originally written October 24, 2004)

Yesterday marks one entire year since I've been working at ______. I feel bad because I only planned on working there for only 3-5 months. I anticipated getting a real career much sooner. That day still hasn't arrived.

Technically, I haven't been working there for a whole year. My time off of for vacation and mostly sick days, totals to about 60 working days. In fact I have been home all week because my ulcerative colitis has gotten bad, no wait, the doctor said it became worse and now we are waiting on the biopsy results. It may have even graduated into Crohns Disease. That means that my small intestines may be effected now. Its been progressing so fast.

I have a new doctor and my aunt works for him. I remember his name because it sounds like an Italian bread.

My colonoscopy was on Wednesday. They made me drink one gallon of laxative the night before. Of course I didn't even finish half. Who can finish a gallon of laxative in 3 hours?! I lied and said I did only because I don't want to go through with it again and postpone the procedure. What did I do with the extra laxative? I dumped it into the neighbor's yard and threw the container in the recycling bin.

Anyway, my aunt assisted in the procedure. And when it was over they said that my intestines looked so raw they were afraid to see how far the damage was. My aunt even said that, "I've seen bad ones, but this might be the worst I've ever seen".

But what went wrong? In June-July I thought I was cured! I had normal stools. I was eating good. But now, I've had bloody D for ever a month!! Its incredibly painful.

My medication is 60 mg of prednisone. Its a steroid I wish I didn't have to take. There are so many side effects including dizziness and weight gain and "moon face". Moon face is when your face gets swollen. None of that has happened to me yet. I've only been on it for a few days.

I am also taking colazal. Its a mesameline that is an anti-flammatory. Side effects: abdominal pains, cramping and D. Diarrhea as one of the side effects... lucky me... If only I could just stop the diarrhea. Its annoying and embarrassing! How am I supposed to meet people this way? I can't even leave the house! I will go mad! I have no idea of what my dosage is. I believe it was something like 750mg of colazal, but I need to take 12 pills a day. A fifteen day supply already costs $400... I need some sort of income soon... I might lose my job because of my absences. Its looking pretty bad. My job is only enough to cover the cost of the medicine... barely. Its such a dead end. I need to stop getting sick like this.

In addition, I'm trying a new diet that's supposed to cure my intestines. Its called "the specific carbohydrate diet" SCD for short. I've been on it for less than a week. I don't notice that many changes but at least the gas has gone away. The gas smelled so bad I wanted to die. I think the food I was eating was only rotting inside of me.

With this new diet, its not easy at all. I need to make all of my own meals and make sure the ingredients don't have any additives that will make me sick. I'm not allowed to have starches and sugars. That leaves out bread, most cheases, ice cream, milk, potatoes, candy... for the most part, I am allowed to have fruits, meat, poultry, seafood, eggs, and vegetables. This is really different from the "low residue diet". Actually its like the opposite.

All of my meals look like they will be bland. I can't have things like ketchup because even in that they add sugars and starches that I shouldn't be eating.

Its very hard right now because I'm not really in any condition to walk around or drive. So I depend on my parents to buy my food. And, if they don't get around to it, I don't get to eat.

No job, no friends, no health, no will, no brain...

I just took my medicine [prednisone]. The trick is to not let it touch your tongue or else it will taste bad. I hate taking all these pills.

I spend my days watching a lot of anime and DVDs. And when I feel better to sit down for a long while, I chat or "window shop" on the internet. I need to rest myself and learn to relax. Slowly I am cutting away everything in my life. Its quite sad but I am alone anyway.

Today is one of the bad days. My legs are weak and I have a lot of abdominal pain. Today is one of those days where I stay in bed and only get up if I have to. I'm very bored and very lonely. I haven't been out of this house in about ten days. If it weren't for the D, I probably wouldn't shower either (its too painful to get up). But the D always makes me feel dirty. I still feel unclean after a long hot shower.

I live one day at a time now. Its terrible when there is nothing to look forward to. But there is no way of me knowing how I'm going to feel. I wish I was normal.

RETRO 09.26.2004

Hey dudes! Sorry... I owe you an entry aside from this one. So so busy!! I've been working two jobs... but my second job will be over sometime in the mid to end of September and then I'll be able to get some regular entries and vlogs!! yah!

Anyway, I owe you another retro fernpixel entry... please keep in mind that these were written back when the times were tough and my symptoms were at their worst. So, a lot of them were really negative. I honestly feel a little embarrassed sharing these with you guys, but I think its important for you guys to hear me out. I know I look like everything is ok since I'm in remission, but I still struggle daily. I started out like all of you with the symptoms, so you're not alone.

p.s. I'm using abbreviations for some things like diarrhea, blood, etc... because those words are gross. I don't want to see anything like that coming out of me or even in word form. hehehe

p.p.s. Since I owe another entry to make up for last week, I'll probably post another one tomorrow night or Sunday... or whenever hahaha, but just look out for it ;)

(Originally written September 26, 2004 1:44am)


I seem to only write when I am frustrated. I really wish I could change that. I have plenty of nice days but I guess on those days I'm too busy having fun to document it. Anyway, all this week my symptoms have been coming back. I have been off my anti-flammatory medication for quite some time. I started back on my pills this Wednesday. I am taking colazal now. The dosage is higher than asacol. I require 9 pills a day. The week was awful. I have severe D again, I was also bleeding M and B with the D. Its so scary. And the smell... the stench is as if hell opened its gates. I don't think I'm even digesting my food correctly. That smell, that awful smell... I think the food is rotting inside of me. I've already decided that I am dying. Over the past few months, I have had no motivation. I mean, what does it matter if I'm dying right?

I hate this obsession that I have of thinking that I'm going to die young. But isn't all of this suffering some sort of proof? I've always been in poor health. I don't even think I'll live to be 30-years-old. Maybe I won't even get married. With my body in such a sorry state. I've even gone as far as to not even considering having children. It would cause me and the child a lot of suffering. And I shouldn't be allowed to pass on such pathetic DNA.