Tuesday, September 2, 2008

RETRO 09.26.2004

Hey dudes! Sorry... I owe you an entry aside from this one. So so busy!! I've been working two jobs... but my second job will be over sometime in the mid to end of September and then I'll be able to get some regular entries and vlogs!! yah!

Anyway, I owe you another retro fernpixel entry... please keep in mind that these were written back when the times were tough and my symptoms were at their worst. So, a lot of them were really negative. I honestly feel a little embarrassed sharing these with you guys, but I think its important for you guys to hear me out. I know I look like everything is ok since I'm in remission, but I still struggle daily. I started out like all of you with the symptoms, so you're not alone.

p.s. I'm using abbreviations for some things like diarrhea, blood, etc... because those words are gross. I don't want to see anything like that coming out of me or even in word form. hehehe

p.p.s. Since I owe another entry to make up for last week, I'll probably post another one tomorrow night or Sunday... or whenever hahaha, but just look out for it ;)

(Originally written September 26, 2004 1:44am)

I seem to only write when I am frustrated. I really wish I could change that. I have plenty of nice days but I guess on those days I'm too busy having fun to document it. Anyway, all this week my symptoms have been coming back. I have been off my anti-flammatory medication for quite some time. I started back on my pills this Wednesday. I am taking colazal now. The dosage is higher than asacol. I require 9 pills a day. The week was awful. I have severe D again, I was also bleeding M and B with the D. Its so scary. And the smell... the stench is as if hell opened its gates. I don't think I'm even digesting my food correctly. That smell, that awful smell... I think the food is rotting inside of me. I've already decided that I am dying. Over the past few months, I have had no motivation. I mean, what does it matter if I'm dying right?

I hate this obsession that I have of thinking that I'm going to die young. But isn't all of this suffering some sort of proof? I've always been in poor health. I don't even think I'll live to be 30-years-old. Maybe I won't even get married. With my body in such a sorry state. I've even gone as far as to not even considering having children. It would cause me and the child a lot of suffering. And I shouldn't be allowed to pass on such pathetic DNA.


Amelia said...

Hi, I came across your youtube videos and in your latest one you talked about your blogspot. I have 3 blogspots, my own is www.rorygilmorepage.blogspot.com and the rest are shared. I have ulcerative colitis, but haven't told anyone yet except for family and teachers. I am still in school so I have to deal with classes in addition to UC. But i haven't been on any meds for about 4 years. Ive just taken myself off of them. Im getting older and I need to find a way to manage my UC better. At school, i can manage it pretty well. When i was younger i could go abut 15 times a day! But now at school I can make it just 1 time. After lunch seems best. A small lunch usually helps and it doesn't matter the food as far as urgency goes. But I'm sure my colon doesn't look good. I eat anything. But mostly beacuse im less than 80 pounds. But im pretty short so I'm not COMPLETELY anorexic. xD Im about 5ft so it's not horrible. I try to eat a lot of bananas and your advice about eating dates is something I am going to try.

Btw, i never spell check xD

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